Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
