i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
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