we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Randomize
