just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Randomize
