Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
