she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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