Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
