GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
