her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
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