i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
