No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Randomize
