So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
