I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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