No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
