I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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