Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
You've changed since you got that strap on
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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