so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
