She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
