fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
