My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
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