Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
