dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
