I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
