Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
