I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
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