I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
