I think I won the penis lottery.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
