I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
