Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
