Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
