I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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