I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
