that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
