it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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