I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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