He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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