The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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