Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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