let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
