Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
