In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
