some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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