I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
