I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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