and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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