I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
