HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
