I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
