So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
