Even the bartender felt bad for me
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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