Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
