I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
