I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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