Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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