o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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