wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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