shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
