im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
