I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
